In the spirit of Pride Month, I figured that this would be a great start to my blog. Especially since the topic of coming out and being gay makes a lot of people uncomfortable and I LOVE making people uncomfortable.
For the most part growing up, I was into guys, but I've always had a thing for women. I never really understood it until I was in college, but I remember being younger and meeting certain girls and not understanding why I missed them the minute we parted ways, or why I felt differently with them than I did with my other friends. In high school, there were always rumors that I was the lesbian. I was a lot of things- definitely misunderstood, and definitely the out of place, weird girl- and I didn't want to accept that I was this too.
I grew up in a very sheltered, racist, homophobic, hell-hole of a town- a town where a Lilly Pulitzer dress was every mother's uniform and everyone had the same hair-do. This place was anything but accepting, and I watched my older friends struggle tremendously after they chose to come out. As I started to realize I was different, I also began to realize that I was on my own in this. I had a lot of questions, and it took me twenty years of life and building close relationships with other LGBTQ people to understand and embrace what was really going on in my mind.
And then, my junior year of college, I reconnected with a woman I had met earlier in school and I fell for her. I fell harder for her than I have ever fallen for anyone in my life. Before her, I swore I was going to be the high-powered career aunt who had no interest in marriage or having a family, and if I chose to have kids, it was going to be by myself. I thought I had it all planned out (doesn't every moronic 20 year old, though?) This woman came into my life, and all of those plans flew out the window. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I saw myself in a marriage, and I saw myself with kids. It hit me like a brick. I was so sure that this was what I wanted, and I had absolutely no idea how to break this news to my circle.
I decided to let myself enjoy a few months of this closeted bliss, where only we knew what was happening. I allowed myself to just enjoy the newness of this until it was no longer a secret I was willing to keep. I was ready to share my joy with people in my life. Most of our friends didn't know, and I had no plans of telling my parents, as my brother had recently come out and I knew my parents were really struggling with it.
When I finally decided to tell my friends, they were, for the most part, extremely supportive. The first person I told was my best friend, who I thought would freak out and run (she was a Trump supporter, people). Instead, she looked at me, smirked, and said "Ok so how does being a lesbian work?" She genuinely didn't care and was ready to hear it all. I received a lot of positive support and I also faced a lot of "Well I don't think you're really gay, but OK" and "It's a phase, but I support you". I also had multiple people look me in the face and say "Wow, she finally came out." Finally.
Once we were out, I was really out. I'm talking rainbows and boobs galore. I didn't care who stared anymore. I didn't care how uncomfortable us holding hands made other people. I didn't care if dancing with my girlfriend at a bar got us dirty looks. I had waited so long for this. The only issue was, everyone knew but my parents, and I needed them to find out from me.
I drove up to my hometown one weekend to visit my parents and my mom and I were driving home from a doctors appointment when I decided to break the news to her. As we were nearing the garage, I quickly told her that my best friend and I had been in a relationship for the last 6 months. After giving me the weirdest look she has ever given me in my life, she sighed and said "OK". A few minutes later once we had arrived, she walked up to me and handed me a note that said "I need time to process". She was angry that she hadn't seen it in me before this moment, angry that I waited so long to tell her, and angry for reasons I think even she didn't understand.
I realized then that this was going to be harder and much more than just sharing my joy with people. This was going to take time and patience. It took some time for her to adjust, but never once was my mother unaccepting. If she ever thought anything negative, she just swallowed it for my sake. I knew she wasn't thrilled because she knows that being gay is hard, but never once did she do anything but embrace me and my relationship. I have to give my mother a lot of credit, here. It can’t be easy having two kids come out within a year of each other and feeling completely blindsided, but she has been extremely supportive and is behind me entirely.
As for my dad, I was terrified to speak to him. Being that he was 81 and has been through so much with all of us already, I thought my coming out was going to physically kill him. I didn't hide my relationship- I brought this person everywhere. She was at Christmas, birthday celebrations, and came with me often to visit my parents. I just figured he thought she was a good friend. About two years into my relationship, I happened to be moving apartments (AGAIN, by the way. Fun fact, homegirl has probably moved more in her college life than most people have in their entire lives and I am never moving again, thanks) and my dad stopped me in his kitchen one day and asked me if she was moving in. I asked him why on earth she would possibly be moving in and he looked at me and said "Wow, you really do think I'm stupid. Don't forget I have six of you kids. And by the way, I don't care". Then, he smiled and that was basically it. We never really spoke about it again, it was just kind of understood. My dad understands me and I understand him.
I consider myself one of the luckiest people in the world. As far as gay goes, I am surrounded. My life is full of LGBTQ individuals. I have had many people to guide me through this journey. Don't get me wrong- I am proud to be bisexual- but any person that is part of this community can tell you that it is hard and at times, even terrifying. The hate and discrimination we face each day is very real. We are judged and ridiculed and misunderstood. Only those who have experienced it could truly understand this, as well as the sheer beauty that is being able to be yourself after basically being in hiding for half of your life. It helps to have people like you in your corner, and I have more of those than I can count.
I do look forward to the day when we don't really need to come out, though. I look forward to the day that kids with two same-sex parents won't be "the kid with the two moms"- maybe they'll just be called by their name. I look forward to the day when Floridans don't have to worry about being out at work. I look forward to the day that I won't have to explain myself or my sexuality and that if I decide to date another woman, I don't have to explain why I'm not dating a guy. I look forward to the day where I'm not viewed as confused for being interested in both men and women, because trust me, there is no confusion here. Can't a girl just be into what she's into?
I never take for granted that I am surrounded by people who accept me and appreciate my openness. I never take for granted that my parents didn't kick me out or stop speaking to me when I came out or that they actually embraced me and my relationship at the time. I know that the majority of people in our community have not been this fortunate. I know that coming out will always be one of the most difficult things that you will have to do in your life time. At least, for me it was. If that's you, just know that there are people who get it, and people that are here to listen. It gets better.